Work in a Relationship

How does your work (in a profession or as a parent/homemaker) impact your overall happiness in our life together?

Does the work you do, whether inside or outside the home, add to your happiness and therefore to the happiness of your lives as a couple? Explain to each other specifically how your jobs make your lives better or worse. In what positive or negative ways are you impacted by your job and how does that spill over to your life together?

What makes you most happy and unhappy with your job?

Most jobs have positive and negative aspects, but hopefully the good far outweighs the bad. Talk about what you love about your work and what you don’t enjoy. Are you passionate about the work you do, or do you feel unfulfilled and bored? Does your work come close to your vision of a fulfilling career?

Discuss the specifics of what fills you up and why, in addition to what saps your energy and stresses you. Listen intently to each other as you share this information.

How can I best support you in your work?

Work is a huge part of our lives and impacts our state of mind and our quality of life. We have good days and bad days on our jobs, and we all need to share these experiences and our feelings about them with our intimate partner. Find out how you can offer not only a listening ear, but also on-going support, feedback, and counsel to your spouse related to his or her job. How can you both help each other find more fulfilment in the work you do?

If your unhappiness at work is impacting our relationship or family, what would you be willing to do to address the problem?

If you are unhappy at work, it’s hard to stay positive and upbeat when you come home. Your unhappiness is bound to affect your state of mind and your ability to interact with your spouse and family in a healthy way.

This is manageable for the short term, but over time, your unhappiness, complaints, and negative mood will undermine your relationships. If this is happening now or there might be a possibility it can happen in the future, what are you willing to do to change the situation? Discuss possible alternatives together, such as changing jobs, counselling, or making an entire career change.

How can you manage stress from your job, so it doesn’t impact our life at home?

If one of you is unhappy on the job now but truly can’t do anything about it in the near future, then you’ll need a plan for coping with the stress and frustration.

Part of managing the stress is working together to brainstorm a future exit strategy or re-evaluating your mutual priorities to facilitate change more quickly. On a day-to-day basis, what habits or practices can you employ so your unhappiness doesn’t undermine the health of your relationship and family life?

These might include exercise, meditation, visualization, simplifying your life, and incorporating more fun activities into your free time.

How many hours a day is enough for you to spend at work?

Problems often occur in relationships when one person spends more hours on the job than the other partner is comfortable with. Or one partner might need to travel regularly, impacting the amount of time you spend together as a couple or as a family. This could be a requirement of the job, or it might be by choice, but either way if it’s negatively impacting the relationship, you need to address it. Find out from each other how many hours a day (and a week) is preferred and how you both think you’re doing in sticking to that amount.

How should we handle it, if I feel you are spending too much time at work and not enough time with me?

One of you might feel unhappy or frustrated with the amount of time the other spends at work. You might even feel he or she is choosing work over your relationship. When these feelings arise, you need to address them and listen compassionately to each other.

Talk about how to work through this problem should it arise for one or both of you. How can both of you get your needs met and feel you are living up to your work obligations and responsibilities?

Where do you see yourself in your career in the next five years? The next ten?

Your careers impact the vision you have for your lives as a couple. If you have a vision to start a family, buy a house, travel, or build your own business, what you plan now related to your career will help both of you attain your vision. Where do you and your partner envision yourselves with your careers during the next five to ten years? How do you plan to make it happen? Both you and your spouse should be involved in planning your career goals and the actions you take toward achieving them.

How much job security do you think you have?

Do you feel strongly your job will be there for you for years to come, or is it possible you could lose your job or your employer or business could fail in the next year or two? If you don’t feel completely secure in your job, discuss this with your spouse, and brainstorm how you both could prepare for the worst-case scenario if it occurs. What will you live on? Will your partner’s salary cover your expenses for a while? Do you need to save money for an emergency fund if you should need it?

What is your plan should you decide to leave your job?

If one of you decides to voluntarily leave his or her job to pursue something else, what plans are place? Having a plan in place affords the security and freedom to initiate change when you want to change jobs, stay at home to care for kids, start a business, or retire.

Do you see this possibility in your short-term future (the next five years)? If so, what needs to be done in order to make a smooth transition and maintain (or alter) your lifestyle to accommodate any salary changes?

Follow-up: Are there any behaviour adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to your careers? What specific action steps will you both take to support each other’s career goals and manage your own stress related to your work? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.