How can we have more intimate conversations?
So often couples get in the habit of discussing the mundane and necessary topics related to running the house, raising the kids, and dealing with finances. The long, intimate conversations you had when you first fell in love get lost in the routines of daily life together. But it’s these intimate conversations that create the strongest bonds between you and help you maintain closeness, romance, and trust. Discuss whether or not you are lacking in intimate conversations, and if so, how can you create the time to prioritize them?
What should I do if I need you to talk more to me?
Sometimes one partner in the relationship desires more intimate conversation than the other. One of you might want to talk, while the other needs time alone. Your partner might want to cuddle and talk after sex, and you might be ready to go to sleep. One of you might feel disconnected or in need of communication, while the other feels satisfied and fulfilled with the status quo.
There is no right or wrong measure of intimate communication. Every couple must work this out together based on each partner’s individual needs and desires. If you are the one who needs more communication, then you must communicate this to your partner. Define specifically what you need, and ask your partner what he or she is willing and able to do.
How can I let you know I don’t feel like talking?
There will be times for both of you when you just don’t want to have a deep or intimate conversation. You might be tired or stressed, or maybe you simply need time alone. This can feel like a rejection to your partner if he or she doesn’t understand your withdrawal or refusal to connect. Discuss with each other how you can communicate your feelings without hurting or offending the other.
Remember, neither of you can use these feelings as an excuse to avoid intimate communication altogether. A lack of close communication will eventually create a distance between you that is hard to repair.
How can I best communicate a problem or concern?
It’s never pleasant to talk about conflict or difficulties, but they are inevitable in all relationships. Whether the problem relates to your relationship or it’s a negative situation that impacts both of you, these difficult conversations provoke so many emotions. When we’re caught up in the negative emotions, we can take it out on the messenger—in this case, your spouse or partner.
Discuss together how you each react to hearing difficult information and how the other can present it so you both can discuss it with a clear head and kind words.
Is there anything about my tone of voice that bothers you?
So often it’s not the words that are spoken but rather the way they are presented that causes us to be offended or wounded. Just a slight change in tone or inflection can spell the difference between a loving tease and biting sarcasm. The longer you live with someone, the better you recognize the nuances in your partner’s verbal expressions.
Sometimes these subtle vocal shifts are passive aggressive ways of communicating irritation or frustration. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how our tone might sound to others.
Find out from your partner whether or not your tone of voice can be hurtful or offensive. How can you soften or change it to be more honest and kind?
What topics should we only discuss in person (not by text, email, or phone)?
Communication has changed drastically in the last decade or so. What was once only spoken in person is now spelled in abbreviated words and symbols on our smart phones. Feelings of love, anger, jealously, and desire are reduced to written words that can be misinterpreted or seem empty. There are some topics that need the interplay of voice, facial expression, touch, and setting. Intimate communication, relationship conflict, and important information simply can’t be shared through electronic devices.
They require face-to-face interaction. Talk together about the topics the two of you decide must be reserved for real time. Promise each other that you won’t use email or texting as a platform for conflict or bitterness.
Do you feel completely free to talk with me about anything?
We all have secrets, regrets, past pain, and shameful feelings. We might repress these feelings and memories because they are so painful. But repressing them can lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors. If there is any place we should feel safe to share our pain and regret, it’s with our intimate partner. Perhaps we hold back for fear of rejection or anger from our partner, but real intimacy can’t happen if we don’t feel safe in sharing and being vulnerable.
We need to reassure our partners that their fears, shame, and pain will be treated with dignity and without judgment. We need to provide that safe space for them to know they are loved and accepted completely.
Am I free to talk with you about anything?
Sometimes our own past or old, entrenched beliefs make it difficult to discuss certain topics. Maybe it’s uncomfortable to talk about your partner’s sexual fantasies or to discuss differing religious beliefs. Maybe you don’t like knowing about past relationships, or you get irritated listening to on-going problems with a friend. Find out from your partner if there’s anything he or she has a hard time discussing with you. Is it critical that your partner be your listening ear on this topic, or can you find support elsewhere? How can you reach a compromise or solution here?
What topics do you most enjoy discussing with me?
Intimate conversation is a wonderful way to learn more about each other. You can find areas of common interest and broaden your perspectives. Maybe you enjoy discussing books, movies, politics, or current events. Maybe you savor deep philosophical discussions or talking about self-improvement and personal growth. There might be topics you’d like to discuss with your partner that you haven’t introduced yet. Ask each other what areas of conversation you’d like to develop.
How can I listen to you better so you feel completely heard?
Listening involves more than simply hearing the words of the other. Empathic, active listening means you give your full attention to your partner, without distractions or interruptions. It also involves reflecting back to you partner what you have heard them say. Ask your partner if they generally feel heard by you. If not, find out where you need to improve. You can learn more about empathic listening from this article on my blog.
Follow-up: Are there any behaviour adjustments you’d like to request from your partner related to communication? What specific action steps will you both take to help you both communicate better? Write these down and determine how and when you will initiate these changes or actions.
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